If just wouldn't be fair to only write in times of turmoil, I will also write in times of triumph. I now officially a full time employee for a well renown establishment which is probably the only establishment that is hiring still it seems and is known to retain its employees for life. I now have an AA degree which proves that if I can put my mind to it I can hit my marks. My relationship with my family is growing stronger and stronger now that the barriers of hurt and resentments are now simply rubble on the ground being kicked to the side as we hurriedly attempt to get to our destination of calm, peace, and grace. I’m on the road to health with eating what is right for me (with the exception of a evening glass of wine every other day or so). Getting my body in shape (well, the pounds are not shedding but if feel strong and healthy) and my emotional health is in calm waters right now. I’m now beginning to be a woman of routine which has done wonders with the emotional health…being in the throws of living on the fly just is not as fun. I’m learning to let go of toxic friends and keeping the very few that are worth my kindness and loyalty that I tend to extend whole heartily…
So all in all…everything is good!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Journaling again
Ah, some time to be able to log onto my lap top and not have to dedicate my time to homework, essays, or text book readings.
I am free to dive right into myself again...which is very much needed and welcomed. I have had some very trying times these past couple of months. Ive yet to truly fully process my feelings and put things in perspective. Ive been consumed with the new "temp to hire" job, the ridiculous commuting from Beverly Hills to OC, school and a relationship in which my partner has failed me...Ive had no time to think, feel, heal or do the necessary. I nearly had a nervous breakdown one Monday night, but thanks to my ability to switch gears I avoided that near collision of emotions and life. In many ways I feel lucky to have such coping skills but in other ways I feel its given me such a high tolerance to deal with emotional pain that might not be considered normal. I mean most normal people would have felt broken a long time ago with my burdens/intrusions/violations but Ive yet to reach the breaking point despite the many attempts life has tried.
Is this my only victory?
I am free to dive right into myself again...which is very much needed and welcomed. I have had some very trying times these past couple of months. Ive yet to truly fully process my feelings and put things in perspective. Ive been consumed with the new "temp to hire" job, the ridiculous commuting from Beverly Hills to OC, school and a relationship in which my partner has failed me...Ive had no time to think, feel, heal or do the necessary. I nearly had a nervous breakdown one Monday night, but thanks to my ability to switch gears I avoided that near collision of emotions and life. In many ways I feel lucky to have such coping skills but in other ways I feel its given me such a high tolerance to deal with emotional pain that might not be considered normal. I mean most normal people would have felt broken a long time ago with my burdens/intrusions/violations but Ive yet to reach the breaking point despite the many attempts life has tried.
Is this my only victory?
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Rough day
Overcoming all difficulties purely by dint of her own intelligence, charm and willpower...
Saturday, March 20, 2010
No visitors pass here
I am in love, and this time its very different...
We only have one real issue when it comes to our relationship but I feel as time passes and priorities shift for him I will no longer find him looking for those "guys night out" with people Ive only met once or twice. I feel he will become more protective with his life as we grow into a family. Or is this my excuse to simply justify his actions and to prevent my jealousies to surface? I don't know but I do know this, our time together alone do not feel strange to me as in my past relationships...He simply belongs in my moments, he belongs in my quiet times, even in my very most private moments. He does not feel like a visitor in my life. His presence does not intrude in my space, in fact, he enhances it. Its seems he was always suppose to be here, in my view of sight, within my reach, and in my heart.
I am in love, and this time its very different...
We only have one real issue when it comes to our relationship but I feel as time passes and priorities shift for him I will no longer find him looking for those "guys night out" with people Ive only met once or twice. I feel he will become more protective with his life as we grow into a family. Or is this my excuse to simply justify his actions and to prevent my jealousies to surface? I don't know but I do know this, our time together alone do not feel strange to me as in my past relationships...He simply belongs in my moments, he belongs in my quiet times, even in my very most private moments. He does not feel like a visitor in my life. His presence does not intrude in my space, in fact, he enhances it. Its seems he was always suppose to be here, in my view of sight, within my reach, and in my heart.
I am in love, and this time its very different...
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Bewitching Hours
She drove toward downtown Los Angeles like a moth's flight to a flame, she couldn't stop herself even if she tried. She closed her eyes for a moment and inhaled the crisp cold air which flowed from the driver side window. She withstood each bite the air gave as it passed her lips and with every breath she took she endured the needle like pricks. This moment only lasted about ten seconds but she felt every second with a sharp intensity as it pierced her very being. She opened her eyes her first view was the skyline and as she approached the outskirts of this city with its glaring lights reflected off her spectacles she viewed the dancing lights as they tantalized the windows of her soul. She fell into a trance, a daze of enchantment and just as she calmed herself enough to enjoy the moment of bewitchment a fear passed through her and in an instant her pupils restricted, she was panicked. The fear settled as she gained closer to this flickering flame. At that moment she gripped her steering wheel as if, if she let go, something would have been lost.
She entered the veins of this city with her headlights hit the reflecting signs. If she cared enough she'd know her exact location. She took no notice to the signs, all she cared about was the heartbeat she heard. She followed the sound using the veins that brings life to this city, that makes this city thrive. But at these hours she was the only life that flowed, that and the shadows that these hours can only bring. It is at these hours she felt most alive and so alone at the same time. Her flowing tears proved it.
She stopped, turned off the ignition, got out of the car and sat on the cold concrete curb to take a moment to reflect on the close of an seemingly endless night. A night that helped her become a master masonry. As she stared off while playing the "what if" game in her head she could see the twilight making its way to bully the night away. At this point she placed her focus on the struggle between night and twilight. With every moment she saw who was prevailing in this power struggle as she became witness to what was coming to light. The twilight boastfully showcasing such realities that the night fought so hard to keep draped under its darkest hue. The night knew that during these delicate hours, the bewitching hours, it is not the eyes that can not bare witness to such realities but it's the heart...her heart. A heart that has never been held gently but always with a heavy hand.
She despised the twilight for its alliance with the relentless sun, which stood on the sidelines awaiting its entrance. She began to curse the sun for making her have to face another day with certain realities that haunt her. In the last moment before the night surrendered, she turned to the night and asked it to keep a secret, it had given its word. And with the last tear that rolled off her cheek, the secret was told.
She then turn her eyes up to the surrounding structures that hovered over her grey in their color, twilight only knows the function of grey matter, and as she screamed at the top of her lungs "how is it that you bring me here?"
It responded with a whisper in her ear "This is the city of angels and it only beckons those..."
***Written on 5/12 at 4:30 am in Downtown Los Angeles. Part of my "She Scribbles" notebook, first draft and well, my only draft...I wrote it out and just not touching it period. It may not be grammatically correct or even make sense but honestly this heavy heart could care less.
She entered the veins of this city with her headlights hit the reflecting signs. If she cared enough she'd know her exact location. She took no notice to the signs, all she cared about was the heartbeat she heard. She followed the sound using the veins that brings life to this city, that makes this city thrive. But at these hours she was the only life that flowed, that and the shadows that these hours can only bring. It is at these hours she felt most alive and so alone at the same time. Her flowing tears proved it.
She stopped, turned off the ignition, got out of the car and sat on the cold concrete curb to take a moment to reflect on the close of an seemingly endless night. A night that helped her become a master masonry. As she stared off while playing the "what if" game in her head she could see the twilight making its way to bully the night away. At this point she placed her focus on the struggle between night and twilight. With every moment she saw who was prevailing in this power struggle as she became witness to what was coming to light. The twilight boastfully showcasing such realities that the night fought so hard to keep draped under its darkest hue. The night knew that during these delicate hours, the bewitching hours, it is not the eyes that can not bare witness to such realities but it's the heart...her heart. A heart that has never been held gently but always with a heavy hand.
She despised the twilight for its alliance with the relentless sun, which stood on the sidelines awaiting its entrance. She began to curse the sun for making her have to face another day with certain realities that haunt her. In the last moment before the night surrendered, she turned to the night and asked it to keep a secret, it had given its word. And with the last tear that rolled off her cheek, the secret was told.
She then turn her eyes up to the surrounding structures that hovered over her grey in their color, twilight only knows the function of grey matter, and as she screamed at the top of her lungs "how is it that you bring me here?"
It responded with a whisper in her ear "This is the city of angels and it only beckons those..."
***Written on 5/12 at 4:30 am in Downtown Los Angeles. Part of my "She Scribbles" notebook, first draft and well, my only draft...I wrote it out and just not touching it period. It may not be grammatically correct or even make sense but honestly this heavy heart could care less.
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